This is not a blog type of site, but I feel the need to write this evening. I have a lot of thoughts knocking around between my ears tonight and I just want to get them all down. I wanted to lay some truths down, for no other reason then to maybe make some sense of it for myself. So here goes…
When I was a kid I lied a lot. I mean, I lied all the time and for no good reason. I don’t think even to this day, I know all the reasons why. What I do know is I never had the luxury of many friends. They have always seemed to come one or two at a time, within different sections of my life. My older brother and sister always had a knack for making friends, and I didn’t seem to ever catch on to that. I spent a lot of time playing by myself. I would draw a lot, or write. I watched a lot of movies growing up. I remember at one point as a kid, I would rent movies from Blockbuster what seemed like every Friday night. I never seemed to fit in I suppose. I was never in to sports. I didn’t know anything about them and never cared to. Academically I in no way stood out. Socially I felt uneasy. I guess my stand-off sort of nature made an impression with the kids at school, because for most of my school life I was teased pretty hard. From grade school on through my Junior year of high school. I was never physically beat up, with the exception of a few times, but they say mental and emotional abuse leaves more scar’s anyway. Long story short, my self-esteem was shit. Low self-esteem, coupled with an extremely small social group, I guess I lied to get people to like me. Kids do stupid stuff. I don’t even believe I was consciously aware of what I was doing, I was a young kid. I knew it was getting reactions that were positive. Kids will be kids I suppose. Being truthful has become very important to me in my adult life, and I suppose I learned that lesson.
As I became a teenager and into my last years of high school my social group expanded a lot. I met a lot of new people, although most of whom I have lost all contact with into my adult life. I find the few close friends I did have, I all but pushed away as I moved forward. I got married, had a family, and a lot of those friends I just pushed away. I haven’t figured that one out just yet. I think that low self-esteem has affected me more into my adult life than I realized. A part of me has always hung on to this idea that I’m not good enough, and I project that feeling on to others. As if they are the ones that might think negatively of me, or cause other people to think negatively of me. I’ve come to realize this about myself. And I realize it is likely irrational, and just a projection. A lot of times people think they are so empathic, but are likely just projecting themselves on to others. But it seemed easier to push people away than deal with the anxiety of having friends. I pushed a lot of people away. Coming from a place where I legitimately did not have many friends, to then push away the one’s I did have, is sort of like shooting yourself in the foot. Another lesson I have learned most definitely, is the importance of friends, and hanging on to them.
I transferred to a new department within the recent past, at my job. I moved up and met a lot of new people and they were all so smart, so good at there job. In the back of my mind I have kept waiting for them to find me out, as if I don’t belong there, like I’m a fraud. They might find out that I’m no good. They might find out that I probably shouldn’t be there, or that I’m not smart enough for the job. I haven’t even into my adult life been able to shake that low self-esteem. Rationally, I know I’m intelligent. I know I am resourceful, and capable of doing whatever I put my mind to. It’s a part of myself that I need to work on, but I haven’t figured out how just yet. I know it about myself that my low self-esteem and feeling not worth anything to be the cause of my short falls. In school and life I always did the bare minimum. Just enough to eek by. I never pushed myself to the next level, or to do something great. I know it to be the cause of why I always start things and never finish them. Why I always get pumped up to make a life change, but eventually fizzle out and return to past habits. I know it to be why I never take any chances in life, to push myself forward, to take a risk. I know it to be the root cause of my always seeking acceptance by everyone, and always needing to be liked by everyone, and never wanting to rock the boat. I know it is why I always worry about how everyone else feels before taking care of myself. It’s the brutal truth, but I know it.
Knowing all these things means nothing however, without action. Dreams mean nothing without plans. Love means nothing without loss. The light means nothing without the dark. Happiness means nothing without sadness. Life has its ups and its downs and its bitter and its sweet, and I know this. But now that I know, I have to move forward. I have to realize the truth, that I can be whatever I want. There is no book I can’t read. There is no new skill I can’t learn. There is no task that I can’t master. Someone said once that a person’s need for acceptance can make you invisible in this world, and I think that’s true. Someone also once said that you can do whatever you set your mind to, and I think that’s also true. I’m still trying to figure this all out. We are all works in progress I think. I’m at a point now where I think I’m ready to make that progress. I don’t know where I’m going, but where ever it is, it’s forward.
If you took the time to read all that, thanks. I hope it might even be helpful to someone.